Why I'm not a fan of "Love Languages"

And, for that matter, focusing on "felt needs" as they relates to deep relationships. It's almost as if we concentrate on things that lesser, casual relationships need, when we're involved in the deepest and most important relationships we have. These are wise, paradigm-changing words from Paul Tautges

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Warming Up a Cold Marriage

by Paul Tautges

“Often I will illustrate the difference between a need and desire this way:

‘If you held me underwater in a swimming pool, I would fight you to the end because I need air. A need is something you cannot live without. But when you elevate desires to the level of needs, there is some form of idolatry going on, and if you don’t repent of your idolatry, that craving will wreck the relationship from which you are trying to extract that perceived need.’

A common rebuttal to the ‘need theory’ concepts [in marriage counseling] is that we need love. What we really need, however, is a relationship with God; if we have that, and the relationship is right, our demands on other humans to meet our cravings for love should not be controlling. If you are resting in the gospel, you can turn the tables on all your relationship; rather than being a deficient taker, you can be an abundant giver. Rather than expecting others to meet your inordinate craving for love, you will be able to love others. You will be Christlike. He did not come here to be loved, but to serve (see Mark 10:45).”