Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Great Fatherhood Quote

I always have trouble explaining to my friends, and ultra-hip Boulderites why I love being a dad (and yes, Boulder I do know how all 4 of them "happened". . sheesh) .

Is it hard? yes. . .are there other things I sometimes wish I could do more of? yes. Do any of those things really matter, comparatively speaking? No, not at all.

There are too many books being written to try and get guys to go do man things, get out of the house, go out with the guys, etc. . . and not enough about reading your kids a book, hanging out, and laying your life down for them and your wife.

It's really where the joy is. It just takes a while to strip away the stupid, early 20's, time wasting, selfish dude that I was. It's still a fight at times. But, this quote by Andrew Peach from First Things shows how dying to yourself is a good thing, and how sometimes the hard things are the best things. . . .

Most fathers-to-be suppose that their old ego-centered lives will continue more or less unabated after the child arrives. With the exception of a few more obstacles and demands on their time, their involvement with their children is envisioned as being something manageable and marginal. Nothing like a complete transformation—an abrupt end to their former life—really enters men’s minds.

But then the onslaught begins, and a man begins to realize that these people, his wife and children, are literally and perhaps even intentionally killing his old self. All around him everything is changing, without any signs of ever reverting back to the way they used to be. Into the indefinite future, nearly every hour of his days threatens to be filled with activities that, as a single-person or even a childless husband, he never would have chosen. Due to the continual interruptions of sleep, he is always mildly fatigued; due to long-term financial concerns, he is cautious in spending, forsaking old consumer habits and personal indulgences; he finds his wife equally exhausted and preoccupied with the children; connections with former friends start to slip away; traveling with his children is like traveling third class in Bulgaria, to quote H.L. Mencken; and the changes go on and on. In short, he discovers, in a terrifying realization, what Dostoevsky proclaimed long ago: “[A]ctive love is a harsh and fearful reality compared with love in dreams.” Fatherhood is just not what he bargained for.

Yet, through the exhaustion, financial stress, screaming, and general chaos, there enters in at times, mysteriously and unexpectedly, deep contentment and gratitude. It is not the pleasure or amusement of high school or college but rather the honor and nobility of sacrifice and commitment, like that felt by a soldier. What happens to his children now happens to him; his life, though awhirl with the trivial concerns of children, is more serious than it ever was before. Everything he does, from bringing home a paycheck to painting a bedroom, has a new end and, hence, a greater significance. The joys and sorrows of his children are now his joys and sorrows; the stakes of his life have risen. And if he is faithful to his calling, he might come to find that, against nearly all prior expectations, he never wants to return to the way things used to be.



Jeff said...

hey hey... easy on us boulderites :-)

Jeff said...

oh wait... i'm not ultra-hip

aaron said...

Jeff, you are hip!

You've just never asked us why we have so many kids or given us weird looks at restaurants (like "why would you have that many kids and screw up your life") and thrown out the dumbest non-joke ever to be perpetrated on the public

"Don't you know how that happens?"

So, don't worry about it. . all boulderites are not bad. . :)